I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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