Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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