dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
