You smell like stripper and shame
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
