my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
That was before I lit my hair on fire
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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