Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
