I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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