I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
