wake up i wanna do it froggy style
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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