I think I won the penis lottery.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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