My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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