I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
