dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
