Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
