i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
