i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
