If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I think we might need a safe word for this...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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