I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
