Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
