tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
