I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
