i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
