your thong is hanging out like whoa
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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