I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
