Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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