Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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