I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
