Yo dont text me then not text me
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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