what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
