It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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