When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
