My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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