I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
