Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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