every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
