Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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