So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
