Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
