So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Im part way to drunk.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
