I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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