i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
lets start a swedish sibling band together
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
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