Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
