Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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