kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
