Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Randomize
