Rock
Scissors
Fuck
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
