Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
