Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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