I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
