first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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