Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
operation harelip BJ is a go
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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